life is good. things are swell. my work has been kinda crazy, people getting off left and right. thank god i'm indispensable, right!?!?!

adam and i are very well. he is in colorado snowboarding away, and i totally miss him, totally 'L' him, as we say to eachother. valentine's is coming up and i'm crazy mad excited to give him his card. so fun!

i'm trying to figure out my budget a little bit better. i make decent money....maybe a smidge less than decent. or let's say acceptable, but can do better. like a C+. my wages are a C+. anyway, I was super low on cash this month (soccer dues were, well, due) and i scored a flat tire on the way from Cuca's (my great grandmother's funeral this past weekend (which is a bittersweet fact in itself - died of old age at 92! that's pretty good.

yes, i got a flat, and my tires apparently cost about 212.00 a pop - literally! fortunately it was just a nail that they were able to patch. sweeeet.

i've been working out a lot and i'm still a bit pudgy around the mid section. well, that's it. go me.

so things are good with me. still at the bank. i think i'm officially the highest paid assistant in my level within the region, so go me...they totally gave me a raise so i wouldn't leave. ahaha, which is fine with me. working for them is nice, i'm really the only person who works in this function and they all appreciate my work. so that's great. what more could i want? and it's all going on my resume for the next job. i'm in a good spot.

In unrelated, but maybe some day related news...i'm thinking about doing pastel portraiture again, or thought about it. i really like doing my stuff for me, and not so much for sale, but my aunt was saying they need portrait pastels of children with their horses (whorses) at the stable her daughter attends. and the highest end artists are getting paid 1500 a pop for the standard size portraits....so it's a thought. pastels are just so damn messy (i only work with hard pastels) and a pain to clean up. i don't want my whole living room to be magenta...last picture i did my parents kitchen was bright yellow for a good two weeks. haha.

my mini is the bomb. 6600 miles. where did i go!!!?!?? i could have gone across the country a few times. dang dawg! i live with ted now, that's awesome. what a good guy, and now i see omar and rachael more often - neat!

bret and katie moved to town a few months ago so now i'm inundated with their lovely son and adam working out at 5 in the morning, when he's up for it. haha. he's very good too. way too damn handsome for me alone. :)

soccer has been great, i got a goal a few weeks ago at burnsville (for those who don't know me, i play left back, so i'm never getting goals...but, at soccer blast, it's way too easy to get goals from any place on the field. so i snagged one. and it was fabulous) also playing in plymouth, augsburg and the U of M. I play a lot. I'm thinking again about flamenco lessons, i have to call Trudy tonite to get crackalackin on that one. i want a hot butt again! so that's it. that's all i have to talk about. i'm so damn shallow.

no, i can talk about adam some more. so he's been travelling a lot and what not with work, he got us a gingerbread house! and we're gonna build it soon! and i'm pumped. we made a house 3 years ago, and my mom threw it away the very next week - she said it was ugly. hahah. so we're excited to put one together and not have it thrown. also, (you may not know it, but i absolutely detest xmas lights... uuuuuhhh) BUT there is a house by the mall of america on 77, a little south of that exit prior to the mall. anyhow, it has a way huge tree by it, and the whole tree is wrapped, not dangling, wrapped!, in white lights, it's pretty impressive. so when he comes home, i'm gonna make him look at that, because he loves lights....uh...

so yeah, things are great and that's great! the end!

how do you tell someone that they just completely and utterly make you upset, especially when they're wrong, and oblivious to their behavior...?

this is a rhetorical question, i'd prefer no advice, because it won't make a dent anyway.

i've got to figure out what i'm gonna do with myself. i heard a commercial from icelandic air on the radio this morning...i'm thinking maybe i'll do something like that for myself!?
who knows!

i should be doing me stuff more. oh well. it was my friend darcy's bday yesterday! how cool. she is awesome.

shallow entry, complete.

i'm in love with a jew. i just finished my omelet and ramping up to eat another piece of toast with jam. fall is the best. and it's my aba's bday. 66!

just moved to uptown with ted. very nice. that's it.

excited to see you this afternoon. i want to drink cider and hold hands :)

hi journal. so it's been maybe 5 months since I put an entry in here. Quite a bit has changed since then, too. adam and i have broken up again, strangely enough, almost the same day that we had last year, but we're well, and we're close, and i'm okay with that. he's started travelling much for work, and right now, he is out in chicago (chicagoooo!) coming back home tomorrow night. we discussed maybe finding a weekend for us to go to chicago together, in between his crazy, busy schedule. we went a few years ago, to see ikea and frank lloyd wright sites (which he apparently hated!), to see throwdown, haha, and just hang out. it was a nice time. we went to duluth for my birthday this year, and toured some boats and ate lots of sweets, though it was a bit of a flop, my fault! hopefully, we're getting together for tea drinks when he arrives tomorrow. i hope we end up hanging with ollie and just take a nap. adam owns the best bed in the universe, really! he's cute. i can't really deal with that aspect of everything. i'm sure all will be fine in the end.

i moved in with kathy and ted back in april, for the company and to cut down on expenses, though kathy's moving to dc in a few short weeks to pursue some save the world stuff, so she'll be missed. ted and i will then move to uptown, which is great! i really like living with him, aaaand we were both eagan wildcats, so that is not cool, but a fun fact. regardless of this set up, i'm looking to buy a home after maybe a year and a half. my mom wants to help me with a down payment, but i'd really like to do this on my own. we'll see.

i'm still with the bank, gonna stick around and see how it grows over the next few months. if it doesn't look like it can support my needs for my career, i'm jumping ship! everyone's over at marshall & isley's anyway, maybe they'll need a project manager. haha. whatelse...

women's fall league soccer starts this wednesday. we had a decent summer, much better than last, so i can't wait to see what we come up with this year. and then hopefully, we're going to have co-ed on monday nights. for real. because i hate playing during the day and on the weekend, it ruins everything.

this week, i'm gonna pump out a kick ass resume, i say that every time i write in here, so i am for real, maybe...and start informally interviewing around. i want to set something up with wells, target, and best buy. i have contacts all over those three, so i'm sure i'll scrounge something up. and if i don't do it, my job is still pretty cush, so i can hang out just fine.

I BOUGHT A MINI. Screw all y'all, because i know you didn't think i would. but i did. and i got it a week before my bday. happy one to me. it's cream and it's hot, and if you touch it, my alarm will blow your eardrums to kingdom come.

Other notably sad events:

my grandmother died. my mom's mom. she suffered a brain aneurisym and wasn't found alone for two days after the fact. she had gone through such extensive brain damage, that despite emergency surgery to relieve the pressure and blood built in her cranium, we didn't see much of a change over the course of the week and half more that she lived. fortunately, we were all there to tell her that we loved her and were with her during the final breaths. she's in a much better place, and led a wonderful life, so i am content with her passing.

i got a bull terrier, and it didn't work out. i spotted a 5 1/2 year old bull terrier named Gaby on petfinders.org up in zimmerman, about 1 hour from the cities. i picked her up and really thought she would be a good match being that she was older and that i understood her to be housebroken. not so. she was very needy, almost puppy like, and had not been spayed up until a few months ago, resulting in an unwillingness to be still and marking all over the damn place. i brought her home a few days later, but adam and rachel broke it down this way; gaby got to spend the weekend getting pampered by her aunt maria and then went back home on monday. i dropped a crapload on her. it's okay. i hope she finds the right home. fortunately, she won't be put to sleep no matter what! :)

i bought a yoga dvd. i gained 8 pounds this year. uncool.

2006 thus far has been pretty nice on the whole, i won't say altogether great, but it was much nicer a year for me.

hi. so today, cool snow. cya. what a mess. i don't want to deal with mud and snow and yuck, for your barefooted friend no doubt, at 7:45 in the morning. boo! however, today at work, i think i helped a total of 5 people. normally 4 times that. swell! i didn't really get much done though. haha. oh well.

things are good. i need to stop looking at mini coopers though. i found a way to get a mini for approximately 175 a month leasing....not a good idea! hahah. i want one a little too bad. i don't even care about the details. all it needs are the following:

winter package, heated seats. adam has them in like all 89 of his cars, so i should too, and i'm getting spoiled hanging around him and his awesomeness.

manual transmission

supercharge

panoramic sunroof


that's all it takes to make me happy, come on now, that's not a lot. hahha. if it cost my soul, i would give it up.
i'm a weak, weak person.

soccer, outdoor begins in a month, but with weather like this, it's hard to imagine not playing on turf. oh, mcad beat team evil. it was a win win situation for me, and fortunately i was on the winning team that day. still felt bad though. myeh.

i've whipped out my iPod again after like 3 years. haha. and discovered the wonderful world of downloading off of apple. i just got this big d and kids table cd that i wanted for a while. haha, there's been a horn section blasting from the first floor of this apartment all day. love it. live it.

adam will 90% maybe, 10% yes, well, make that 5% yes, 5% no be coming over for some sweet ass red curry shrimp i'm cooking up tonight. come on, don't make it your loss. well, if he doesn't come, then there is more for me. so maybe those odds are fine with me. this cd is so radical. well, time to change, pick up my place, and snack until it's time to eat. totally hungry.

i just had my wisdom teeth taken out. damnit.

in related news, thanks adam, aba, and kathy for saying what's up. sorry, i feel like whoreshit. but somehow, i manage a bloody smile. super cool throat infection too. super sweet. i'm gonna eat some fucking jello now and play secret of mana like a frickin' champ. i hate oral surgery more than i hate ashton kutcher. goodnite, minneapolis!

i remember writing in this thing way back in 2005. i usually say the nineties, but they haven't really applied for about half a decade. i'm totally watching true life: i'm on steroids. god, i'm so gay. oh well.

pumpkin pie from mcdonald's is in the top 1 things of last year. go pumpkin pie in my hand. though, i will say boo to it coming warm, they might as well have put whip cream on it. barf. but still amazing. thank you, mcdonald's, and a big booyah to you.

harry potter and the goblet of fire, with fun company. a row full of twenty something girls screaming in anticipation of an adolescent wizard, totally drowning out a theatre full of kids. eat shit, you kids. harry is hunktastic.

hangoutage. i'm bad at this. but i hung out with a lot of different people, and still do, probably not as much as i still could, but nonetheless, more than none. so go me. i'm dope. i said dope. dope. oh my god, there is a gay guy measuring his chest on tv. how gay.

ad and i. were back, doing well, that's better. we're still maintaining our own schedules and doing our own things. it's a truly happy medium. very enthused on the matter.

my apartment - i've got cable, soccer channels too. it's awesome totally being self sustaining. all my bills, all my crap, plus i have money at the end of the month. coupled with work, very cool. just went into training to start maintaining retail accounts with my bank. awesome. i'm going very well.

aside from injuries, i'm playing a much better game of soccer. more aggressive, more confident. watching soccer on tv and playing half the nights of a week for almost the entirety of the year has really stepped up my game. now i'm just playing twice on sunday, once with team evil. we are the bomb, maybe. and mcad. they wanted me. how cool. ohho hoh oho shit, the burger king commercial where he schools the vikings. god we suck.

so yeah. lots of good things. i think that movie isolde and tristan or whatever looks homo.
time to take a power shower. i have the sniffles. cool, i'm sick. still, 2006 is so so promising.

text 85050 with joke and press send. they're so funny, we'll make your sense of humor so much better. impress your friends, shrink your testicles. i hate angelina jolie too.

i am on the internet.

who's got the internet blowing up, now you fruity bumcakes!?!? my apple is finally useful. that is so totally swell.

things are good at residence gomez. just started a new puzzle, hell yeah, i finished a 1000 piecer full of m&ms.

i rocked it's ass, but in like a month. but still, i'm so totally cool! my apartment looks sweet, aaaaannd, it's full of all kinds of fun things. i'm really happy about that.

i totally spotted a sega cd and genesis combo for 80 dollars today at the mall. oh good lord. how awesome is that, and they were selling nhl hockey for genesis for 1 buck. hell yeah that's sweet.

i'm talking like a southern rocker. i'm so sorry. well, i'm going to get back to my puzzle. turn on some tunes, without tudes. and maybe make a pizza. lyfe is swell 4 lyfe.

and adam is rather cute. just thought i would add that.

oh shit. i graduated last night. hahah, that would be kind of a momentous thing to share with my journal, right? thought so. so i now have my undergraduates in visualization from the minneapolis college of art and design. neat. time for that pizza.

i haven't updated in a long while. but things are really good. adam and i are working things out, and we've been hanging out a lot more. i foresee the future to be a really positive one for us. so that is awesome.

work is going well. i have now been with the bank again for a few months, and i am getting well adjusted to the climate of the financial institution, but from a retail perspective. i hope that banking can offer me something by way of a career, but if it didn't i'm sure that i would find something else just fine.

i graduate next friday. i finally walk. a little later than i had anticipated, but i'm done nevertheless. so that is a great feeling. one more chapter closed. i may even consider taking some classes in finance. they would help me regardless of what work i did, and the woman that i met on the way to spain did encourage me to pursue that, so i'll heed her warning. after all, project managers have to be capable of accounting as much as bankers do.

my apartment is going great. really nice, and it feels more and more like a home everyday, getting all my acoutraments and pictures, and furniture in is great. and it's so handsome! super nice. i have bright orange sheets. and i may get cornelius, my persian, to come live with me. so that's swell.

my grandma is on her way to the white house to speak about aging in the country. how cool is she? she's retired, and she was still picked by the governor to represent our state. awesome. and maria r. gomez day is coming up soon, december 14th to be exact. she has a holiday named after her in the state of minnesota goverment. amazing. so i may be babysitting my grandpa with my dad today.

things are great. i'm feeling really good about myself, and about everything. i've got awesome friends, and satisfying work. what more could i ask for?

2005 made a 160 or so, in a pretty short amount of time. i'm very thankful that i'm feeling better in times for the holidays. no time to waste on being sad, right?

okay, that's it. peas and hair grease.
oh, i forgot to mention, injuries for the year. like serious injuries.

i sustained a concussion, and still have a lump on my head, 2 months later, from getting knocked down on pavement.

serious sprain, that i didn't have looked at, and didn't ice immediately, resulting in a swollen ankle that i still can't quite play soccer on. 1 month later.

cut my thumb, almost a whole chunk off, making dinner, and being careless with a kitchen knife. would have put a bandage on it, but was encouraged to go to urgent care.

bruised my heels, being sooooo cool at a show. yeah, that wasn't good as i couldn't walk normally for about 2.5 weeks and had to miss out on a bunch of soccer games.

all of those things sucked a duck!

okay. now i'm really done. outtage!

god, i'm lonely.

what a horrible feeling. to have so many great accomplishments in a rather short time period, and to still feel like there is some gaping huge hole in your life that you can never seem to mend.

so, i'm moving into another new apartment come mid-october. swell. in st. paul. 1 bedroom, hardwood floors, off of the street, parking in back, flowers in the spring. i can't wait. i can just go to my own home and be in solitude while i'm in solitude. and maybe play solitare. super.

i started my new job with associated. it's awesome. they love me. it's great. i feel so needed. lately, i've felt so unappreciated in that facet of life; work, so that's a really good change of pace.

i've been hanging out and doing stuff and just having fun. playing lots of soccer and it's different for me, i really am super introverted normally, but i'm not now, and this is good. people DO need people, as lame as that statement sounds.

but i always come back to him. i can't even look him in the eyes when i leave him. i can't believe this is all there is for us. what a horrible ending to a really great run. an incredible run. no one even comes close. this is all i can think about in the midst of exciting new things. how can all a person's hopes and dreams lie within a single person, that isn't their own self?

the way i feel right now, it's like some immeasurable weight that sometimes gets lighter, but always is preventing me from just getting out of this crapfest i've been stuck in for so long. i hate july and i hate 2005. this is the shittiest year that's ever existed. i wish it would all go away.

fuck all y'all! NORTH CAROLINAAAAAAA, wave it around yo' head like a helicopter.

hell, i don't know this song. actually, haha, this is the extent of my being a gangsta. er. gangster. however, i'm sure i could find you a beastie boys cd, if you insisted!


Hello, Autumn! Where have you been all this year? I love you. I can't wait, the sumac is already turning mad crazy red. i commented on the moon being RED! jesus, that's totally sweet. the leaves should be soon, the weather is also becoming a bit more crisp. time for sweaters!!!! i hate shorts, i hate tshirts, at the beginning of the summer, i think i had like 5 tshirts total. and that includes my soccer jerseys (2). i'm in a very good mood. so yeah, fall~go fall!~bitches!

so i got a new job. go me! yesssssss, with associated again, no doubt! no diggity, regulate! i'm gonna miss everybody...good lord. help me. so yeah, starting monday, i will begin at the st. paul office off of snelling and selby as an assistant to the branch manager, also managing the reception area and helping with some bank related activities. what is sweet, is that Maggie, my new boss, is all pumped about transitioning me into a personal banker. tight! i just said tight! that's the bomb! AAAAnd, it was so nice to see her. she looks more than fabulous, and she was super pumped to have me on board. the interview consisted of us talking about:

her weight loss, not wearing socks or pantyhose to work (but being notified to wear some in the event upper management would be there), how i should definitely wear my skirts, how the temps they had fill in for me when i left last december were homos, not letting customers call the president of the company (because we all hate him a lot) and that i look just like my dad. DING! that got me a job!

who said being a charmer wouldn't get me anywhere! you doubters. pouter, don't doubt! jesus.

soccer tonite. oh hell yeah! i'm psyched. we're going to make creamed corn out of these whores, can't hardly wait.

oh so yesterday!!!! i went to uptown, chatted with steve, he's so pumped to do this sleeve. hahah, i can't wait. i'm going gaga - sick, it's going to be ridiculous. and then i sat and read for like 45 minutes while i waited for jimmy to finish working out. haha. and then, boys and girls, jimmy and i chatted outside for a good long while, waiting for steve so we could all go out and eat. he took us to the dakota in nicollet mall, oh my god, i've never had such amazing food. and his friend works there so we got tons of things for like nothing. jimmy, his friend, josh and i then went green mill for dessert. i was too stuffed full of savory delights!!!!!!!! i'm totally crazy. hahah. god. i wish i could record the little sniffs and laughing fits i have in between each line of nonsensical nothings i write. okay, back to my shit story. so jimmy, steve and i decided that we should start a buffet club. and i think that would be fun. they like eating more than me. so we're giong to this korean place named ho-bag sometime. it's supposed to be in eagan. oh craptards! steve showed me these magnets that he got in new york, or pixelated old school mario diaramas and characters, and then you position them to do mario-ish stuff. oh god, i'm ordering them right now. totally a splurge. www.jlist.com (do a search for mario)

look at this shit!!! so cool!!!!


so, that's that. i'm glad satan has not infiltrated my body. he's an evil, sick bastard, and he has poor taste in hot chicks.

so that's the day! wonderful. i'm sure i'll write some more crap later. excellent.

today is a good day. i tested with associated this morning, and totally chatted with lots of people that i used to work with, which was so so awesome. i'm glad that i'm going to be working with these people again, i love them to death. some girl who is the second fill-in for my old position was asking about my dad. i told her that he was screaming for our dogs this morning at 6 and it seemed to scare her. lightweight.

so yeah, working in st. paul will be superfab. pumped, totally. i tried to show leanne my pictures of spain using a memory stick and it so didn't work. craptards. so i have all these awesome photos, and i can't figure out a cost-effective way to share them with anyone. i have to select a few that are good representations, when i say few, i mean like 200 out of 750, to actually print, and then keep the rest digital. i have to move them fast too, because my ass my be getting thrown out of here soon. i wonder if they're mad that i want to work elsewhere, i think they know they can't really offer me anything good. i'm on a different plateau, bitches.

i really want some brussel sprouts right now. crap, like bad. i haven't eaten them forever. adam and i went to the oceanaire last year some time, and they bring you like 30 brussel sprouts, for like 8 bucks. and it's awesome. best thing they serve there, well, besides the fisherman platter. fried like some people like it, but certainly not ad. and he hates brussel sprouts, so i got them to myself!!!

i decided on getting a mini cooper next spring. i'm pumped, mega. i want mint green or that off whitish color, with a black lid. or a maybe a checkerboard lid!!!!! i guess a cooper s is where it's at, but with being a city driver, i don't know if i want to worry about my transmission, as cooper s' are only stick shift. i stall out big time trying to shift, my dad did say i could drive his audi the other day to the gas station, what he was thinking god only knows. he was making burgers, i'm more than certain meat oil has saturated his mind!

cornelius ulysses gomez likes to groom my arm hair whilst i sleep. i love this cat so so much. though i want to get a bull terrier badly now. i'm such a fruity pebble cake. i can't wait to move out. i'm slating the date to move for january. merry christmas to me. i hate you, christmas. what a worthless holiday that's going to be.

for halloween i was thinking of doing nothing. how swell. i think on the whole, i hate holidays. just excuses to waste money. i'm going to buy myself gifts this year, and make some half-ass crap for the rest of the normal recipients. i think that is going to be a great idea. where is this tangent going, who knows, who cares. haha. okay, haha, holy shit. i have an imbalance of love in my life. it makes me weird. gotta scramble.

so i looked back on all my entries from when we first started dating. it took about 2 hours to read everything, and sure enough, came across this.

'falling in love with you was the best idea i have ever had' - adam

how funky is that? oh, well. i hope shaffenstein is having a good time. i can't say i'm not trying my best to keep good company, as hard and confusing as that may be. i so don't want to tread on anyone else's happiness or relationships. somedays, it just feels like i need someone to talk to on a level that i wish could be more intimate. Even though i want that intimacy to be shared with ad. it's so weird. i definitely won't apologize for still caring and reminiscing about him and me and us. as totally unnatural as it may seem some times. more like supernatural. uggggh....it's getting better. i'm not crying nearly as much. maybe one good cry in the shower once a week. i think i'm due tonite, however.

had soccer practice tonite in como. just me, kaleb, mark and pete. i definitely don't think we had fun. i have little, congelado fingers now. it's cold! beforehand, went and ate some puertorican food with my grandparents and my aunts family. i have such super swell relatives. i really should try to practice my spanish with them more. whatever.

interview tomorrow with associated. i basically have the job. how reassuring. i really can't stand working at ACD. i love them all so so dearly, but the work they hand me is the most unfullifilling crap ever. ever.

chad, you're dating a pornstar. you told me this, and i thought you were shitting me. you rock, but i still think porn is wicked gross. wear a condom.

i wish he would email me more. i like hearing from him, and telling him stupid crap. that's what friends do, too, right?

well, i gotta wake up early tomorrow. interview, work, tattoo. my life is comprised of these things at this moment. i know there's a whole lot more out there than just this. i pray it isn't this mundane for a much longer. if i'm like this through christmas, i just won't know what to do with myself. more like the last three months of my year just became my most unfavorite time of year. but, what can you do? really? nothing. just try to get by, put a smile on and fool everyone in the process of said struggle.

i think tonite's moon is the most beautiful i've ever seen in my whole life. blood red.

going to a movie tonite. if somebody calls me!?!?!!!! sheesh, hahah.

my dad just made hamburgers, and they smell good. ahahahah. despite the fact that i chowed down on some morningstar mini corndogs while watching breakfast club this afternoon. couldn't sleep last night. i had a really good time out last night, it makes me wonder what's been taking me so long to have fun. going to bed at 4 is not fun though. i'm going to stop doing that. i am going to continue drinking abnormal amounts of dr pepper posing as whiskey though.

yeah, those hamburgers still smell good. weak.

this week's schedule:
MONDAY, work in the morning, soccer practice at night. 280 and como. my team is sweet. (my saturday team devestated the other team in our championship game. chuck got a goal off a corner kick, nobody even touched it, it went right in. that's what i like to see, jaeger!)

TUESDAY, okay i work everyday. in the morning, interview with associated at 8:30am. I'm going to try and burn the photos i got back from adam so i can show leanne and everyone else why i left them! tuesday evening, i have an appointment with steve at uptown to review my sleeve. hot dawg!

WEDNESDAY, work, women's soccer at 6 in maplewood. jenn, we're taking this one back!

THURSDAY, regulation time co-ed league at 6:30 at fort snelling. we got wasted by the other team. i've played with a few of those guys before, super nice, super good. yeah, we got our asses handed to us.

FRIDAY, NOTHING~!!!! after work. kathy, maybe we should work on ivory and ebony. IF YOU HAVEN"T FINISHED IT YET!!!! FREAK!!!! ahhahah. maybe we should go out with ted! will he be in town yet?

i'm going to south dakota on sunday, try and hang out with nick and jake and see them for their release show. i don't think i'll want to sleep over night, so leave in the morning, leave after the show. I'm keeping myself busy. this is swell!

como estais, bitches?

man, i wish i could find someone to care about me. i've got great friends, hung out at Kathy's last night. Girls, that was one of the best nights in a really long time. Week after week, it's nothing but shit, I genuinely had a great time. Couldn't ask for anything more. However, I'm very disappointed in Nicole and my performance at 90's trivial pursuit. We had that in the bag! Hemos ganado! Whatever. We were robbed. I think Jenn and Brooke won. You guys suck. haha

back to the caring thing, it's really hard feeling a void in my life. I don't really want to fill it with another guy, that's not fair to them, or to me, and with how i feel still, it would completely confuse any feelings that i may have towards a new person. how depressing. he's moving on, and i can't. i'm still that emotionally crippled. i want to think, well, maybe somebody nice or fun will just happen to me, but even at that, i'm so scared about moving forward in that facet of my life. and regardless of all the great things happening, with work, school, friendships, and all the rest, i still feel like a huge part of my life is missing. i hate feeling incomplete. that was the only certain thing i had going for me.

i went through all my old emails, from before we were dating, and even up until a few days ago. i can't believe we went from where we started to here. back where we started. possibly further. i miss him so much. i can't even tell him that, i feel too guilty.

i want to help you help yourself. sometimes i just don't have the answers, and i so desperately wish i did.

as much as i get frustrated, you are what keeps me going, whether or not you know it. as hollow and strange an existence as it may be.

there is more to life, sure i know this. but despite that fact, in my eyes, all good things start with you.

so i'm reading blue like jazz. it's so great. what a great book to read, especially at this time in my life. i would recommend it to all of you, but you're all atheists. hahahah. just kidding. no, really, it's a good book, with an interesting perspective on christianity and one person's life finding what it all means. easy to read, too.

it was recommended to me by my friends megan and tatum that i met in spain. they were in this group of friends that were missionaries from atlanta. nicest group of kids ever. i read a bit there, and wanted to read it in it's entirety. give me two days and i'll be done. two snaps and a twizzlers. crazy!

so yeah, my last 24 hours have been neat? can i use that adjective. i was supposed to hang out with nick and some others but i didn't hear from them. oh well. and then i went to my aba's house with my parents, and ate and chatted with my relatives. i think i talk to my aba almost once every other day. or multiple times in one day every three days. she's great. so supportive. esta quemando velas para mi. she's the best.

but then her food got me sick, so i puked in her bathroom. at least it wasn't in someone's mouth, right? came home, read my book, went to sleep early. i think i slept about 10 hours. i love my schedule. emailed my resume to Associated for a personal banking position(though as of 5:30 today haven't heard from them....boooooo...), and so i'm driving to work, and i get a call from Hot Dish Advertising, here in minneapolis. So, i contacted them in december about possibly interning, well, i'm done with school now, but i guess that they intern everyone before they make decisions about hiring, for account people! BITCHES! so that is super swell. then when i get to work, Luz, one of the women I work with asks me if I would like to join her bible study. How crazy? That was such a nice invite, so next week I'll join them one night and do that.

so now, i'm home. i want to bike ride, but we have no bike pump. i don't want to borrow one from the neighbors, because i really should just buy one, but i'm kinda comfy at home. so i don't think i'll go. haha. anyways, more reading i'm sure will happen. and then yeah. two nights of soccer this week. sweet! can't wait to get going on that. back to back nights. then in october i start indoor. it's going to be a better fall than summer.

mt.

so i went to catholic mass. the church i went to, with my dad this morning, was the same one my friend was married at a few years ago. while the service was nice, and the people seemed nice, it just didn't feel right. my dad is really skeptical about joining the catholic parish again; he said to follow the luthern mindset. my dad converted to the luthern church over 10 years ago. I really want to find community, and i don't think the catholic church can provide it for me. all the newsletters and pamphlets on communal groups were support for grief, or abortion, or divorce. there was not one thing about just prayer groups.

anyway, i will try going to luthern service either later this week, or next weekend.

so that is today. i smell chili awaiting it's devourment upstairs.





trying not to be wonky as usual,
maria

uggggh, so some of you, the few who do indeed read this damned internet journal, have seen my entries fluxuate. super happy, super sad. super.

i'm doing better. i'm getting my feelings out there. i'm trying to do things that i want to do, or that i know will improve my overally quality of life. that's a good thing, right?

today i secured my place on my women's league for the fall. YES!!! go soccer. i will start at the U of M in a few weeks playing indoor, and then my co-ed league begins this thursday too, i believe. so sweet!

i hung out with adam momentarily, at his work, and picked up some of my type work and my mario brothers sticker book. that was nice to just chat, he's so fun. on friday, i went to uptown and talked with jimmy, and saw their artists' work. awesome. "hey, i've got 18 dollars in my car!". Well, Jimmy talked me into setting up a time to consult with steve on a mario brothers 2 sleeve. it's happening. it's awesome. when else am i gonna do that? so birdo in a short matter of time will soon reside on my arm. who doesn't love a birdo?

Tomorrow, sunday, i'm going to start attending Catholic mass again. My dad recommended a church near my house, so I'm going to head over there in the morning and find out what time they start services at. I really want to get more involved with a community that embraces values i want to further incorporate into my life, and furthermore, want to be a better christian. As stupid as this may sound for a large percent of the people who would view this, I hope you can appreciate wanting to make a better life for yourself, regardless the means. Between restoring my faith, starting a career, and all the other curveballs that life has thrown and will throw in my way, I've got a lot to worry about. Just for myself.

as stressful as work has been over the last week, and just my emotional ups and downs, things are good. things always get better. i just need to really focus and get things done for me.

in further news, olson never called me. and i hate them. hahahah. that's my last sin, i swear!